It is an indisputable fact that Dakota Fanning is waaaay too famous. It is also indisputable that she is in cahoots with someone far more evil than your average Hollywood producer or manager…because not even devil underling Joe Simpson could develop such a prolific career out of seemingly nothing but a never-ending smile. This is going to be hard, but the world must know the truth: Dakota Fanning is the Antichrist.
Think of how many movie roles and TV guest star slots there are for thirty-three-year-old women. Now imagine what it would be like if 97% of those available roles went to Jennifer Aniston (although in the week leading up to the premiere of Derailed, it kind of seems like they already do). If that were the case, we'd all have to be brainwashed to keep watching... yet millions still tune in to each visual holocaust Dakota appears in.
Fanning is creepy in spades, but people never seem to get sick of her. With each appearance, impressionable children are drawn to the dark side. Fanning is the same size as a real kid, but her poise is eerily grown-up. Have you ever seen her on a talk show? Along with an occasional (rehearsed) story about her jacked-up teeth, she'll chat about her next "project", or how great it was to work with this actor or that director. If you close your eyes, it's easy to imagine that you're listening to some old showbiz hag rather than an innocent third-grader. I managed to catch the little devil on Regis not long ago; girlfriend's got bigger bags under her eyes than Yasmine Bleeth after a cocaine binge. She probably drinks coffee, and it is only a matter of time before she is photographed wearing massive sunglasses and chain-smoking poolside at the Chateau Marmot.
Further evidence of Dakota Fanning’s wickedness lies in her ability to destroy the reputations of actors who were previously respected by men as universally awesome.
Cases in Point:
#1) Robert DeNiro
DeNiro used to be a man’s man. He not only portrayed kick-ass characters like Jake LaMotta and Don Corleone, but he embodied a persona that was both mysterious and at the same time tough as nails. His default expression was a determined scowl, like he was prepared to introduce you to the business end of his shoe if you looked at him wrong. Then he starred alongside Fanning in Hide and Seek - now he is a full blown pussy and corporate shill.
#2) Kris Kristofferson
Somewhere between becoming a Rhodes Scholar, penning "Bobby McGee", performing with The Highwaymen, and slaying boatloads of vampires alongside Wesley Snipes in Blade, Kristofferson had firmly established himself as a man among boys. With his grizzled beard and growling voice he demonstrated the rugged manliness of a lumber jack, with a supreme intellect to boot. What hath become of the brutish Kristofferson? Well, he hammered the last nail in the coffin carrying his tough-guy image by joining little Dakota in Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story. He used to eat rocks and shit gun powder, now he’s nothing but a minion left in the wake of Fanning’s assault on real men.
#3) Tom Cruise
Sike…He’s always been a pussy.
With the help of Lucifer, she'll never age - like Jonathan Lipnicki after Jerry Maguire. That movie was out eight years ago and he still looks like a he could do a Life cereal commercial. Or maybe Fanning's natural hormones will turn her into a toothsome young thing, and transition her from Cat in the Hat pigtailed annoyance to low-rise jeans and crop toped media mogul Hilary Duff-level annoyance. Either way, the outlook is grim.
I know what you are thinking – “But Terry, she is so cute and just a child and therefore should be beyond reproach!!” For those detractors I have but one response: